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Men’s group breaks stereotypes, enjoys in-depth discussions

January/February, 2004
By Diane Lavos

A group of men gather each Tuesday noon in the parlor of South Congregational Church UCC, Pittsfield, to talk about subjects that are deep, require careful listening to each other, and touch their hearts as well as their intellects. They are all retired, so they come from the Depression and WWII-eras when keeping feelings “close to the vest” was the norm for men. Many were engineers for whom the rules of science and the ability to “prove it” are paramount.

“ They tell each other things I never thought they would share. Engineers don’t like to show what their heart says, but they have learned to do it,” said John Anthony, the leader of the group, called the Men’s Forum. At 79, and recovering from quintuple bypass heart surgery, he is similar to the rest of the members who range in age from their 50s to 92. Some are recovering from surgery and can’t attend all the time.

	(Above) The Men’s Forum at South Congregational UCC, Pittsfield (Photo by member Bob Hill.) (Left) John Anthony will attend again in the spring.

The group started in February 1992 with 12 members. It now has 22, with about 16 attending at a time. Many had known each other for 15 or 20 years and worked on projects together, Anthony recalled, but they had never talked about religion or themselves.

“ We usually didn’t share thoughts or discuss topics other than sports and politics,” said Anthony. “One group of men who had worked together said it would be good to gather for lunch. My older son suggested I ‘get a group together and see what happens.’ So I recruited those whom I could ‘crack through to,’ to talk about deeper things. As time went on we got away from sports and politics and began talking about topics like men’s problems with aging,” recalled Anthony.

“ We’ve resisted being a church group that does things (like building improvement) and have kept our focus on discussion. But individuals from the Forum do help actively in the church in areas such as maintenance and serving on boards.

“ We don’t dwell on religion, but have meaningful discussions on many topics, some of which touch on religion,” Anthony said. “We had a session on prayer presented by assistant pastor Carol Towley. I thought it would ‘bomb’ but the response was terrific. They really talked about what it meant to pray, and answered the question, ‘What does prayer mean in your life?’”

Anthony knows that the Men’s Forum is having an impact on the spiritual life of the church, as subjects they have discussed often are picked up as themes for church-wide retreats. Besides prayer, they have discussed soul, faith, and spirituality – often after having a speaker or reading a book on the topic, such as Jimmy Carter’s Living Faith.

A member of the group since 1997, Bob Hill doesn’t want to miss a meeting. “The Forum brought a lot of people together. Before attending I didn’t know half of their names. Now I feel quite close to them,” said Hill, a retired technical artist who is the group’s photographer.

Joel Huntington, pastor of South Congregational Church, is pleased with the group, especially when they forged ahead and discussed homosexuality and the Open and Affirming designation. “Getting these guys to talk about sex of any form is a challenge,” said Huntington. “They have gotten past that, and also feel free to talk about racial issues, women’s rights, and other topics which used to be uncomfortable for them.

“ They also have learned to be care givers, and be tender with each other – a switch from the culture of men who slapped each others’ backs and talked about football or fishing. Over the years they learned to shut up and listen. They have learned to cry openly when feeling grief and sorrow. Several have lost their wives. They can share something really sad or special.”

“ There isn’t another group like this anywhere,” Huntington said, quoting a former pastor. He likens John Anthony to television host Bill Moyers, who has a “poetic way of wording challenging subjects.”

Huntington attends almost every Tuesday and was the presenter several times. He left the organizing of the group to the members and “never tried to take it over,” said Anthony. Over time there have been members from other denominations as well as another UCC church.

Note: On the national level, David J. Holden works with a broad spectrum of ministries with UCC men, as Minister for Adults and Educational Leadership Development. He would be glad to be contacted by anyone interested in men’s groups or other issues. Call toll-free 866-822-8224, ext. 3861 or e-mail holdend@ucc.org at the Cleveland office.